Hi there.
So i am back again, sorry for not posting anything for so long, just had to much going and trying to deal with Xmas and NYE so not easy...
So as the title says..
The run up two both of these i don't usually enjoy any more as its to commercial now and everything goes triple in price, but this time round it was even harder 2013 Xmas and NYE was hard with just losing dad, but this year build up to Xmas and NYE was even harder.
Knowing that i will not be with parents celebrating xmas or nye mad me so angry, yet likei said i dont enjoy xmas or nye, yet i was angry, on xmas we would all sit together open presents and laugh.
This year i woke to none of that i was hoping that when i woke on Xmas day at my sisters house i would see both my parents downstairs dad reading the paper or a book, and mum being mum getting the food cooked so it just means we all can sit and pig out have and a laugh...
I woke everyday to the build of xmas thru November and December just for one thing to be able to see both my parents on xmas morning even if it was just for a few seconds, but that never happened.
I HAVE ASKED GOD FOR A FEW THINGS IN LIFE AND NOT FOR ME EITHER 1 OR 2 THINGS MAYBE BUT WHEN I ASKED FOR THESE I NEVER GOT THEM I HAVE NEVER BEEN TOLD WHY.....
1. WHEN MY DAD WAS REALLY ILL AND COLLAPSED AND WAS IN HOSPITAL I ASK FOR YOU SWAP THE SITUATION SO IT WOULD BE ME THERE.
YOUR RESPONSE: I NEVER GOT THE WISH.
2. WHEN MY MUM COLLAPSED AND WAS IN MY ARMS I SAID NOT NOW PLEASE GOD THIS IS TO EARLY FOR MUM TO GO PLEASE NOT NOW.
YOUR RESPONSE: NOTHING AT ALL NOTHING.
I ASK YOU PLEASE LET ME TAKE MY MUMS PLACE.
YOUR RESPONSE: NOTHING AT ALL NOTHING, I DID NOT EVEN GET THE WISH
3. FINAL WISH WAS TO SEE BOTH MY PARENTS TOGETHER ON XMAS DAY
YOUR RESPONSE: NOTHING AGAIN NOTHING
After that day (my mum passing away) i have lost all faith in god " i am sorry" i have seen nothing out there to show me that he is listening to our cry's for help.
My family lost a son-in-law, brother,and daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law.
My sister and me have lost our parents 9 months apart and i cant fucking do anything about it, nothing at all.
All i hear is you have to move on, time will heal, no need to be angry, it will be ok, get counseling.
The only thing that might make sense to me is counseling but i don't know.
For all of these: you have to move on, time will heal, no need to be angry, it will be ok, and the rest i have heard there is no time limit and how you deal with the loss of both your parents in short space time, or even comprehend what has just happened in your life, as you have just basically entered hell on earth.
Thats what it is like for me every day since 27/06/2013 and 13/03/2014.
I sleep at night knowing i cant say night and love you to my parents or even hug them before i got to sleep. At times i have woken crying as the only time i feel safe is when i am holding on to my pillow and hugging it and let my tears go on my pillow.. NO PUBLIC FACE WHEN I AM AT HOME SORRY MUM.
I wake up and take everything day by day and step by step and if it fucks up, well tomorrow try again, as one day i will be able to escape the Hell i am in for ever but WHEN WHERE and HOW i don't know..
I love you both mum and dad, every second and every minute every hour every day that goes by i am thinking of you both.
I will try my best, but right now i dont have the energy, i dont have it in me, i cant fight i cant push forward to hurts to much and to scared...
I know no one reads this in one way its good my one place i can write what is going thru my head, but i know one day some will come across this and read all this i have written and it may be to late or may be it wont be and they will say Deepak i have just read your blog which i found accidentally..
Ok I signing out now..
Love you Mum and Dad xxxxxx
