This is gonna be one long arse of status for 2015.

So its new years eve 0329 then.

I cant sleep which is frustrating, but oh well.

2013 and 2014 have been the worst times of my life and to be honest the most darkest in my life in which i would not want anyone to experience even my worst enemy.

I had to grow up fast to, even though i was but look at everything in a total different way.

When you realise for the first time in your life you are totally on your own when you lost 2 of the most precious people in your life, you dont know what is what anymore.

Dont know who to talk to cause you know your family are hurting and you dont want to worry them either (as my mum said to me there is a public face and a private face) when ever i was out my public face came on.

All I would hear is
- look how strong he is.
- he is doing so well.
- his mother and father would be so proud of him

The things that were and are still going thru my head have not been answered and i know they will never be, cause the one person i did need the most twice did not do what i request and i have never asked anything from this person that we call god.

My faith since that day has gone in believing that there is god and that god will answer your calls when in need. My experience god aint gonna answer as no such thing.

Every day i wish i can wake in the morning, come home from work, walk round the corner, or even get a text or call from my mum or dad, or even the thought hearing them shout at me cause i have made a mess and not sorted it still (sorry mum and dad house is still kinda mess) but i know this will not happen until we are together again.

I mentioned that you realise for the first time in your life you are on your own and dont know who to talk to.

You see at this point in your life the darkest, the lowest, the worst as i call it the most fucked up time possible you really start to realise who the people are around you and its only now i have slowly started to realise all the support i have been getting.

I wont mention names but one day when i have the courage to come up to you and say thanks you will know, as most people that know me know i hate asking for help i am just stubborn i guess (thanks dad lol).

All i would like to say is yes i have fucking long way to go for me to sort my self out please just bear with me while i do.

I want to say thank you to friends and family for the continuing that i have received.

i now live my days,, day by day as we fucking dont know when we will last see our loved one so all i say is make sure you tell them you love them, leave them a cheeky note or something or even rose or roses or even flowers, tell that person you walk past every day that you like you would like to go for a drink or coffee or something.

So 2016
-I start it with a new a job which is awesome.
-sort my self out and get my head sorted to important.
-My best friend's younger brother gets married i cant wait for that.
-looking to get more tattoos 1 (astronomy) a month hopefully lol.
-i want to travel more around uk and europe and overseas
-do my cbt for a bike life is to short.

Not sure what else but anything i do think of i will add to my blog where there is a copy of this.

Thank you again friends and family for all your support plus few other people on here who i would class as family to and you know who you are thank you again..

Happy new year to everyone love you lots.

I will always love you and miss you both mum and dad.......

Coping

Coping

Every day is still hard, everyday pretty  much feels like it has just happened.

I miss you both so much but who do I speak to, I want to talk to my sister but i dont want her to worry about me as every time see her i know when she looks at me i can see that she worries alot.

I want to speak to my uncles my i am scared they wont understand what i am going thru.

At times i feel like i just want to scream and cry and cause pain and unleash anger at any one. I know that doing any of this will not bring my parents.

All i do know is i have lost all faith in god i asked twice for him to swap me with my parents so i am in pain and i am where they are s they can live on but both times they denied me that right.

They say god listens to everything you say and will help, i can say for a fact that is not true and never will be.

I cannot say how long it will take for me to get over it and move on, maybe i wont and thats what scares me the most.

I walk in to the house eveyday and expect to hear my mum and dads voice, but i dont.

I leave the house in a big mess and expect to hear them shout at me or ring me and say why have you not cleaned up after yourself.

I leave the dishes and expect to a get a call saying the dishes will be in your room as you did not wash them.

all the little things that you miss when your loved ones depart..

I miss you both like crazy and going to family functions makes it so hard for me that i cant bear it at times..

I know soon us three will be together again and i will be so glad to see you both again.

Love your son x

Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad 41 years

27/04/2015

Today Would have been the most lovely day its my Mum and Dad 41st wedding anniversary, I know they are together right now in a peaceful place together but i miss them on these special occasions.

Seeing dad bring home flowers for mum and a card and leaving them on the table  and then sitting down on the sofa waiting for mum to come home acting as if he has forgotten all about and reading his paper, but if you look behind the paper you would see my dad my smiling away lol, me sitting there watching tv and just saying hi and smiling..

Dad would say hi finally, and then get back to his paper and watch mum open the kitchen door and then watch her walk into the kitchen to see the flowers and card waiting for..

That was just priceless..

I miss you both, love you both so much...

Happy anniversary 41 years together mum and dad xxxxxxxxxxxxxx





© Kara Wambach

March 2008

A Poem For My Parents On Their Anniversary

When I was young, MOM and DAD,
I remember saying that I would never leave your side,
Now I have grown and see the love you two share.
I now realize that's the way life is.
I have learned so much from you two,
I pleasure every moment I am with you.
God gave me a blessing,
For having two loving parents as great and loving as you.
You two are great and I am so proud of your 41 years together!
I love you both so much,
And I hope for so many years for you two together;
For the parents, I so dearly love.



Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/parents-wedding-anniversary#ixzz3YSZ3H9uG
Family Friend Poems

Its been 1 year mum.

I cant believe how fast one year has gone.

Everytime i go into kitchen i remember everything as it happened that day its still so fresh..

Wake up every morning hope that i will see you downstairs but I dont, its the worse nightmare ever..

Missing Mum

By Claudia Lee

I awake each morning to start a new day
But the pain of losing you never goes away.
I go about the things I have to do
And as the hours pass I think again of you.

I want to call you and just hear your voice
Then I remember that I have no choice
For you are not there and now my heart cries
Just to see you again to tell you goodbye

To say Mum I love you and I always will
And hope that much of you, in me you’ve instilled.
The day that you left I just didn’t know
That you were going where I couldn’t go.

And now all my memories of you are so dear
But gosh, how I miss you and wish you were here.
Who now can hear me when I need to cry?
It so hard to tell you “Mum goodbye.”

Someday I know all will be well
And I’ll see you again with stories to tell
Of how you were missed and how we have grown
And how good it is to finally be home.

Until then my memories of you I’ll keep near
And I’ll pass them on to those who are dear.
I miss you Mum,

http://heavenlycelebrations.com.au/poems/missing-mum/

My First Christmas and New Years with out Mum and Dad

Date 12/01/2015 time 01:11

Hi there. 

So i am back again, sorry for not posting anything for so long, just had to much going and trying to deal with Xmas and NYE so not easy...

So as the title says..

The run up two both of these i don't usually enjoy any more as its to commercial now and everything goes triple in price, but this time round it was even harder 2013 Xmas and NYE was hard with just losing dad, but this year build up to Xmas and NYE was even harder.

Knowing that i will not be with parents celebrating xmas or nye mad me so angry, yet likei said i dont enjoy xmas or nye, yet i was angry, on xmas we would all sit together open presents and laugh. 

This year i woke to none of that i was hoping that when i woke on Xmas day at my sisters house i would see both my parents downstairs dad reading the paper or a book, and mum being mum getting the food cooked so it just means we all can sit and pig out have and a laugh...

I woke everyday to the build of xmas thru November and December just for one thing to be able to see both my parents on xmas morning even if it was just for a few seconds, but that never happened.

I HAVE ASKED GOD FOR A FEW THINGS IN LIFE AND NOT FOR ME EITHER 1 OR 2 THINGS MAYBE BUT WHEN I ASKED FOR THESE I NEVER GOT THEM I HAVE NEVER BEEN TOLD WHY.....

1. WHEN MY DAD WAS REALLY ILL AND COLLAPSED AND WAS IN HOSPITAL I ASK FOR YOU SWAP THE SITUATION SO IT WOULD BE ME THERE. 

YOUR RESPONSE: I NEVER GOT THE WISH.

2. WHEN MY MUM COLLAPSED AND WAS IN MY ARMS  I SAID NOT NOW PLEASE GOD THIS IS TO EARLY FOR MUM TO GO PLEASE NOT NOW.

YOUR RESPONSE: NOTHING AT ALL NOTHING.

I ASK YOU PLEASE LET ME TAKE MY MUMS PLACE. 

YOUR RESPONSE: NOTHING AT ALL NOTHING, I DID NOT EVEN GET THE WISH

3. FINAL WISH WAS TO SEE BOTH MY PARENTS TOGETHER ON XMAS DAY

YOUR RESPONSE: NOTHING AGAIN NOTHING 

After that day (my mum passing away) i have lost all faith in god " i am sorry" i have seen nothing out there to show me that he is listening to our cry's for help.

My family lost a son-in-law, brother,and daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law.

My sister and me have lost our parents 9 months apart and i cant fucking do anything about it, nothing at all.

All i hear is you have to move on, time will heal, no need to be angry, it will be ok, get counseling.

The only thing that might make sense to me is counseling  but i don't know.

For all of these:  you have to move on, time will heal, no need to be angry, it will be ok, and the rest i have heard there is no time limit and how you deal with the loss of both your parents in short space time, or even comprehend what has just happened in your life, as you have just basically entered hell on earth.

Thats what it is like for me every day since 27/06/2013 and 13/03/2014.

I sleep at night knowing i cant say night and love you to my parents or even hug them before i got to sleep. At times i have woken crying as the only time i feel safe is when i am holding on to my pillow and hugging it and let my tears go on my pillow.. NO PUBLIC FACE WHEN I AM AT HOME SORRY MUM.

I wake up and take everything day by day and step by step and if it fucks up, well tomorrow try again, as one day i will be able to escape the Hell i am in for ever but WHEN WHERE and HOW i don't know..

I love you both mum and dad, every second and every minute every hour every day that goes by i am thinking of you both.

I will try my best, but right now i dont have the energy, i dont have it in me, i cant fight i cant push forward to hurts to much and to scared...

I know no one reads this in one way its good my one place i can write what is going thru my head, but i know one day some will come across this and read all this i have written and it may be to late or may be it wont be and they will say Deepak i have just read your blog which i found accidentally..

Ok I signing out now..

Love you Mum and Dad xxxxxx