They Say It Gets Easier

The date us 27/09/2014 time 23:24

Here I am again on the blog writing away again, sorry for not writing or posting anything for awhile, oh well shit happens.

They say things get easier every day, take it day by day you will be fine, you are a very strong person, you are dealing with it all so well..

The truth of the matter is i dont know how to deal with it. i wake up every morning and wonder whats the point at all.

When my dad passed away it was hard but i had to deal with it, cause i knew i had to stay strong for my mum, every time i saw my mum i gave her a hug, just in case, when i woke in the morning i would give her a hug before going to bed i would give her, before leaving for work and coming home from work i would give her, before i went out anywhere i would give her, as you can see at every chance i got i would find a reason to give my mum a hug and tell her i love her very much...

I could not tell her how scared i was with the future and what is going to happen but she tld me a few important things, be careful who you talk to and trust, you have a public face and private face...

Damn i had to learn the public face quick trying not to show that you are scared or worried in front of friends and family and in work is a damn hard job and not use...

i am writing what is going thru my head right now and i am not writing everything that is there as i know i still cant deal with most of the stuff that is there...

With dad passing i was so lost but mum would not speak to me much afterwards but as far as i know she was talking to my sister, should would hug me and smile at me and at times we would be normal where we argue for the fun of it like we used before, and she would thru something at me and i would look at my mum and she would smile and then say i dare you to, and i would throw it right back and run but she would stand there and watch and i knew i was in trouble lol.. but then we would realise dad is not there to shout at us and we would stop and carry on what we were doing before....

The night mum collapsed i will never forget, with me holding her in my arms. shouting not now ringing for help....

For some reason while holding my mum in my arms i knew this was it, but its so soon, i have not had chance to deal with dads lost and here is mum in my arms, andi am losing her, i know she wanted to be with dad but this soon..

They were separated for a total of 9 months before they were back together again as husband and wife, two soul partners, two best friends, two love birds, what ever we wanted to call it but my mum and dad are back together and at peace together...

My life since my parents have passed away has been a living HELL

Yes you things get easier every day, take it day by day you will be fine, you are a very strong person, you are dealing with it all so well.

The truth of the fucking matter is I aint dealing with it at all i am doing what my mum told me to do i always will, put your public face on..

It takes so much energy to put on a public face, that at times, i just come home and go to sleep, crying and hugging my pillow....

I have so much anger, aggression, rage, at times i just went to lose it and i dont care on who as long as i can lose it, i dont care on the consequences of what will happen but i know someone is to blame for the fact good people get taken and the bad and nasty people are left on earth....

All i know is i am living in HELL every day and i need to find a way out of it, what ever way it may be.....

All i know is i dont want to keep hearing all of this :-

• Things get easier every day.
• Take it day by day you will be fine,
• You are a very strong person
• You are dealing with it all so well..
• I cant come around to your house because i cant deal with the fact they are not here.. (i think they should try being here 24/7 and then tell me how you feel)
• Are you going to sell the house.(Has nothing to do with you what we will will do)
• Why are you not going to sell the house (Has nothing to do with you what we will will do)
• I understand what you are going thru (My Response : explain to me then how it feels losing both parents in 9 fucking months)
• I understand what you are going thru (My Response : how are your parents god i hope )
• Yes i have turned bitter, sad, not out going (i wonder why that is.)

I miss you mum and dad like crazy and i know i would do anything i could to see you both again and swap places for you both to be here and for me to be where you are right now...

Some might see this as me trying to cry out for help or me to be watched over but TBH i have kinda given up and other peoples opinion on what is right and wrong, what should be done and not done.. 

I am scared what happens now and what the future holds for me, my sister she is married and will always be looked aftered that i know, no matter what happens to me i will know this in my heart my sister will always be looked aftered...

Your loving son and your loving brother

Ps Sis i know i have not mentioned you in this because i know you have always cared for me no matter what kinda brother i have been and i thank you for that i will never know how to say thank you to for everything you have done so far for me and for being there for me...

Pss Jij thank you for looking after my sister and being there for her in the time of need..  for my mum and me i have no words to describe it..

I know one day i will not be here and i will be with my mum and dad where i will be at peace, i will then forever look over my sister and jij and the rest of the family.....

I am just wondering how many people will actually read this whole thing and then either ring me or text me saying they are concerned for my welfare or well being or ask if i am going totally mad, which i think i am, i am going totally mad and am totally lost.

The question how long will i be lost for i dont know, how long will i be mad for i dont know, will i break down, will i have a nervous break down... what does the future hold for me... the ans to all this who hell knows....

LET TIME TELL THE FUTURE FOR ME AS I LIVE IN HELL

Finished writing this at 28/09/2014 0036

The mind replans

Can't sleep lol so trying to plan a few things in my mind.

Got the plan sorted in my mind and then my mind goes screw that plan I think we need to think of a new plan which is more fun and exciting.

All I can say is damn you mind lol, but I have to say I like the new idea more fun.

Evil laughter comes from my mind.

This final plan will need to be put in action.

8/9/2014

Lost feelings

Everyday since all this started I have started to feel lost I was half lost when my dad passed away but when my mum collapsed in my hands I for some reason knew this is the last time I would see her and its all my fault as she lays in my hands as I don't know what to do.

I shout saying please dont go yet it's to early for you to say bye to us.

When the hospital told me and my sister and brother in law the out come my world fell apart completely I am so lost now I don't know what is right and wrong and why good people get taken from earth by god, my understanding has always been that bad people would get taken first and a bad person like me to should have gone before my mum.

In my eyes I have only one family member left of my our blood my sister but she has her on family which she has to look after I can't tell her how I feel how much anger I have how much volience wants to come out.

I want to cry,I want to break down , I want to go mad , I want to scream, I want to play music so loud that mum and dad can hear it, I want to smash things , I want to burn things.

Now how do I tell my sister this I cant, if anyone sees any of this they will think I need to go into a nut house but this is the only way I know how I can express my feelings.

There will be a day when all this hits me in one go and I realise I have been lying to myself about what has happened in my life at the age of 33 in that one year my whole life was fucked so fucking up I will never forgive anyone or anything for what has happened.

I will say sorry here for what may happen or I may do or say but I have to no grow up and be adult even more quicker then before and not let anyone stand in my way as I try and figure out the right from wrong in my life I have had enough heart and loss and death that I can't deal with it any more.
5 September 2014 0108

Destiny and Faith

In walks of life we have our ups and downs, we lose our loved ones, we lose our friends, become homeless, become ill to the point of no return, treated badly, or when with a group of people and you get the lonely feeling when you should not or the one where you wish you did not go as you dont feel welcome there....

We have all experienced it in some form but is it right, somethings happen where we dont have a choice and its a path that been laid out from the point you are born you can call it destiny or faith which ever you choose to call it...

Then there are certain things you can control making that one person not feel left out, make them feel welcome and part of a group , making them feel glad they came...

Life is short to short in my eyes but we were put on earth for many different reasons and until we fullfil that we stay here, sometimes people fullfil that quicker then others but its life and the journey we take in how we fullfil to journey we have been sent down to do...

I dont know what my journey or how my journey is menat to go as it will be told as i go long, it will have many path to it, some very horrible one and some good ones, some very testing that will make you think about is this what my destiny or faith is but we take each day as a new one, bit like a reboot to see what happens...

I dont know what destiny or faith is already planned for me but i know i will always try to fight the bad times with every bit of strength i have in me to come on top, and try and redo my destiny or faith onto a new path which is of joy and love and friend......

Money is not everything in this world as it will never bring back the lost loved ones in your life and wont buy you love but it will bring you trouble..

the choice is ours on how we try to change our destiny and faith...

My Tattoos

I remember when i got my first tattoo, my mum siad no you are not getting one as it is dangerious, in reply i said i will ask dad. So went to dad and spoke to him and in my surprise he asked what i would like done and i told him a Ohn sign not to big or to small.

He got me to sit down and gave me a list to remember of what i cant get done at all (this was a long list and i had to remember it no writing it down) i promise my dad i would not, will honour that no matter..

I went back to mum smile on face and said dad said i can have one, in reply ok fine you have one but no more after, my reply was i will try and smiled...

Since having that 1 Tattoo to date i have 6 tattoos in total to present date, with every single one with a reason or story behind...

I am writing what i am writing now for a reason cause i love both my parents and they loved me allot but one liked me having tattoos but my mum may not have but she still smiled when she saw the work and realised why i got it done...

With every tattoo i got done my mum was always worried i dont blame her its her son getting some guy to punch holes in his skin for some art, I love you mum and dad....

Ok so in june i get my 7th tattoo done which is going to be the 3rd hardest tattoo i will have done as it is part of my healing process, but the only way i know how to cope or deal with everything that has happened, i have thought long and hard about weather i should get it done and the ans has always been yes..

Tattoo is not just for the sake of it in my books, to me its there for life and for a reason and to tell your story the way you want to.........

Let no one force you to get a tattoo, when you do get a tattoo think about it good and hard and will you stil like it 10 years down or when you are old and be able to show it in public or even to your parents......

We Only Wanted You

Love you Mum and Dad

Lost Feeling : love Family and Friends

In this world time is so short. You dont know how long you will be with the ones you love the most. treasure every moment with them, live every moment, get inked or do something outrage or fun, what ever it maybe just remember there is no rewind button or no retakes.. make sure you have no regrets.. live life to full  and tell the ones you care for in the loudest voice possible you love them.....

Family i  love you guys so much.

Friends yes i love you all to (weather i met you on here, uni, as customers who have become friends, thru walks of life )

MUM DAD THIS IS ME SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE I LOVE YOU BOTH AND MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY  EVERYDAY EVERY HOUR EVERY MINUTE EVERY SECOND.....

1 Month Mum

We think we have a lot of time but that time can be taken away from us any time.

Mum 1 month has already gone by and i hurt so much i miss you like crazy.. I will try my best for you today to stay strong..



Missing Mum

I awake each morning to start a new day
But the pain of losing you never goes away.
I go about the things I have to do
And as the hours pass I think again of you.

I want to call you and just hear your voice
Then I remember that I have no choice
For you are not there and now my heart cries
Just to see you again to tell you goodbye

To say Mum I love you and I always will
And hope that much of you, in me you’ve instilled.
The day that you left I just didn’t know
That you were going where I couldn’t go.

And now all my memories of you are so dear
But gosh, how I miss you and wish you were here.
Who now can hear me when I need to cry?
It so hard to tell you “Mum goodbye.”

Someday I know all will be well
And I’ll see you again with stories to tell
Of how you were missed and how we have grown
And how good it is to finally be home.

Until then my memories of you I’ll keep near
And I’ll pass them on to those who are dear.
I miss you Mum,

By Claudia Lee

I will always love you mum and dad miss you both

So Not Long Left Now

So not so long left now.
At 9AM 20/03/2014 my mum will be home for 1 hour before she joins the love and sweetheart, her soul mate forever..

I am so scared about how things will go, plus fact that i will see my mum for the very last... i know my mum and dad are watching over me but it is not the same....

Mum in case i dont say it sis and me and jij and the whole family love you lots and will miss you like crazy to....

Dad we all miss you to like crazy...

Mum and Dad you are both together now as you were here on earth as soul mates....

love you both xxx

Mummy why did you go

Ok here it goes... 13/03/2104 has been the worst day of my life and my familys and close friends..

On 13 March 2014 at 1320 the most dearest and closest person died in my life she was friend a wife  to my dad and the most wonderful mother in the world anyone can have, i am talking about my mum we grew very close after my dad passed away and now i dont know...

i am still trying to figure out if this is a dream and that i will wake up and see my mum downstairs in the morning, i just hope it will come true but i dont think it will..

Mum i love you so much and so does sis and the whole family...

I just have one question why ????




Your Mother Is Always With You

by Unknown Author

Your mother is always with you...

She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.

She's the smell of bleach in
your freshly laundered socks.

She's the cool hand on your
brow when you're not well.

Your mother lives inside
your laughter. She's crystallized
in every tear drop...

She's the place you came from,
your first home.. She's the map you
follow with every step that you take.

She's your first love and your first heart
break....and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, Not space...
Not even death....
will ever separate you
from your mother....

You carry her inside of you....

Regerts

REGERTS

DATE 03/03/2014

LISTENING TO  

sad song1

sad song 2

Just done the biggest mistake of my life, today.

Today i told the sunflower of my life that i dont think we should meet tomorrow,

After i made her cry and upset her for bringing the past up.

Telling her that i had fallen for her.

Only after she asked me this not a date we are going on are we, and i took a big gulp and asked would you like it to be,

When i hit the send button i was shivering and scared like a little kid who knew he gave the wrong answer.

but i guess i did well thats life 

27 feb 2014

Dad 8 months have gone and the 9 month is starting it only feels like yesterday I was talking to you I miss you like crazy. I am trying my best but right now it ain't good enough wish you were here.

Love you and miss you so much

27 June 2013 time 0118am the worst day of our life hit us

Death is not the end, it is only a bridge to another place.

My Dad

© Disarae G. Kuhn

I know this man
Who is dear to my heart
Suddenly one day
It was torn all apart

This man taught me every thing
That I needed to know
But I never really listened
Until he had to go

He gave me love
And touched my life
Its all over now
He no longer has to fight

He tried to teach me
Right for wrong
The day he left
I wasn't that strong

He is gone now
It is hard to believe
This man is my dad
Who I will never see

But I will see him again
This I know
The day will come
When its time for me to go

So, I'll hold him dear
And close to my heart

New Lesson Learnt

New lesson learnt
When your Head (brain) Heart, Guts rule altogether
Out come is never good,
Easier to let things stay quite,
Watch the world move on pass much more fun at times...
Let there be love and peace and forgiveness,
Let the heart heal slowly as and when....

What's your story

How when you see some one how do you know  what they have or are going through they might be in a three piece suit all smiles dressed all tarted up or even a homeless or someone you see on a bus train or even walking, how do you know what's going thru there head  or even why. People don't have to smile or laugh  24 hours a day.

What is there story, people are to quick judge and yes I have done that mistake to and not proud of it, but life is full of trail and errors but the pains and grief we hold in side nobody ever knows really or they just don't want to know or they do just so they spread it and change it. The worst thing is most would rather not ask and just say they are actting out to get attention or maybe they are just looking to get help but thats only how they can.

But hey what would I know I just sit on a bus go to work and see a few same faces everyday sometimes happy and sometimes sad and some that talk to you and all you can do is sit and listen. 

We all haves pains and grief and people we miss on certain days, at certain events, at certain times of our lives , when we are all together to. 

We all have story what's yours