Here I am again on the blog writing away again, sorry for not writing or posting anything for awhile, oh well shit happens.
They say things get easier every day, take it day by day you will be fine, you are a very strong person, you are dealing with it all so well..
The truth of the matter is i dont know how to deal with it. i wake up every morning and wonder whats the point at all.
When my dad passed away it was hard but i had to deal with it, cause i knew i had to stay strong for my mum, every time i saw my mum i gave her a hug, just in case, when i woke in the morning i would give her a hug before going to bed i would give her, before leaving for work and coming home from work i would give her, before i went out anywhere i would give her, as you can see at every chance i got i would find a reason to give my mum a hug and tell her i love her very much...
I could not tell her how scared i was with the future and what is going to happen but she tld me a few important things, be careful who you talk to and trust, you have a public face and private face...
Damn i had to learn the public face quick trying not to show that you are scared or worried in front of friends and family and in work is a damn hard job and not use...
i am writing what is going thru my head right now and i am not writing everything that is there as i know i still cant deal with most of the stuff that is there...
With dad passing i was so lost but mum would not speak to me much afterwards but as far as i know she was talking to my sister, should would hug me and smile at me and at times we would be normal where we argue for the fun of it like we used before, and she would thru something at me and i would look at my mum and she would smile and then say i dare you to, and i would throw it right back and run but she would stand there and watch and i knew i was in trouble lol.. but then we would realise dad is not there to shout at us and we would stop and carry on what we were doing before....
The night mum collapsed i will never forget, with me holding her in my arms. shouting not now ringing for help....
For some reason while holding my mum in my arms i knew this was it, but its so soon, i have not had chance to deal with dads lost and here is mum in my arms, andi am losing her, i know she wanted to be with dad but this soon..
They were separated for a total of 9 months before they were back together again as husband and wife, two soul partners, two best friends, two love birds, what ever we wanted to call it but my mum and dad are back together and at peace together...
My life since my parents have passed away has been a living HELL
Yes you things get easier every day, take it day by day you will be fine, you are a very strong person, you are dealing with it all so well.
The truth of the fucking matter is I aint dealing with it at all i am doing what my mum told me to do i always will, put your public face on..
It takes so much energy to put on a public face, that at times, i just come home and go to sleep, crying and hugging my pillow....
I have so much anger, aggression, rage, at times i just went to lose it and i dont care on who as long as i can lose it, i dont care on the consequences of what will happen but i know someone is to blame for the fact good people get taken and the bad and nasty people are left on earth....
All i know is i am living in HELL every day and i need to find a way out of it, what ever way it may be.....
All i know is i dont want to keep hearing all of this :-
- Things get easier every day.
- Take it day by day you will be fine,
- You are a very strong person
- You are dealing with it all so well..
- I cant come around to your house because i cant deal with the fact they are not here.. (i think they should try being here 24/7 and then tell me how you feel)
- Are you going to sell the house.(Has nothing to do with you what we will will do)
- Why are you not going to sell the house (Has nothing to do with you what we will will do)
- I understand what you are going thru (My Response : explain to me then how it feels losing both parents in 9 fucking months)
- I understand what you are going thru (My Response : how are your parents god i hope )
- Yes i have turned bitter, sad, not out going (i wonder why that is.)
I miss you mum and dad like crazy and i know i would do anything i could to see you both again and swap places for you both to be here and for me to be where you are right now...
Some might see this as me trying to cry out for help or me to be watched over but TBH i have kinda given up and other peoples opinion on what is right and wrong, what should be done and not done..
I am scared what happens now and what the future holds for me, my sister she is married and will always be looked aftered that i know, no matter what happens to me i will know this in my heart my sister will always be looked aftered...
Your loving son and your loving brother
Ps Sis i know i have not mentioned you in this because i know you have always cared for me no matter what kinda brother i have been and i thank you for that i will never know how to say thank you to for everything you have done so far for me and for being there for me...
Pss Jij thank you for looking after my sister and being there for her in the time of need.. for my mum and me i have no words to describe it..
I know one day i will not be here and i will be with my mum and dad where i will be at peace, i will then forever look over my sister and jij and the rest of the family.....
I am just wondering how many people will actually read this whole thing and then either ring me or text me saying they are concerned for my welfare or well being or ask if i am going totally mad, which i think i am, i am going totally mad and am totally lost.
The question how long will i be lost for i dont know, how long will i be mad for i dont know, will i break down, will i have a nervous break down... what does the future hold for me... the ans to all this who hell knows....
LET TIME TELL THE FUTURE FOR ME AS I LIVE IN HELL
Finished writing this at 28/09/2014 0036
Finished writing this at 28/09/2014 0036
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