Lost feelings

Everyday since all this started I have started to feel lost I was half lost when my dad passed away but when my mum collapsed in my hands I for some reason knew this is the last time I would see her and its all my fault as she lays in my hands as I don't know what to do.

I shout saying please dont go yet it's to early for you to say bye to us.

When the hospital told me and my sister and brother in law the out come my world fell apart completely I am so lost now I don't know what is right and wrong and why good people get taken from earth by god, my understanding has always been that bad people would get taken first and a bad person like me to should have gone before my mum.

In my eyes I have only one family member left of my our blood my sister but she has her on family which she has to look after I can't tell her how I feel how much anger I have how much volience wants to come out.

I want to cry,I want to break down , I want to go mad , I want to scream, I want to play music so loud that mum and dad can hear it, I want to smash things , I want to burn things.

Now how do I tell my sister this I cant, if anyone sees any of this they will think I need to go into a nut house but this is the only way I know how I can express my feelings.

There will be a day when all this hits me in one go and I realise I have been lying to myself about what has happened in my life at the age of 33 in that one year my whole life was fucked so fucking up I will never forgive anyone or anything for what has happened.

I will say sorry here for what may happen or I may do or say but I have to no grow up and be adult even more quicker then before and not let anyone stand in my way as I try and figure out the right from wrong in my life I have had enough heart and loss and death that I can't deal with it any more.
5 September 2014 0108